Recasting Any Given Sunday

"Ya find out life's this game of inches . . . so's football . . ."

We at the Backup Quarterback Blog had a few friends over for July 4th.  Prior to the evening's fireworks display, we were flipping between the various patriotic concerts and -- one of my favorite things of any July 4th -- old-school patriotic movies.  I happened to walk 2 guests into the living room during Bill Pullman's epic (?) speech in the 1996 movie Independence Day.  After we ceased all conversation and immediately fixated upon Pullman (portraying U.S. President Thomas J. Whitmore), conversation turned to the Twitter feed of Grantland's Bill Barnwell.  In Tweets throughout the day, Barnwell and his followers discussed the prospect of re-casting Independence Day using today's stars.  Among the highlights: LeBron James or Russell Westbrook as Will Smith's character, Vincent Kartheiser (Pete Campbell on Mad Men) as Jeff Goldblum, Will Farrell as Goldblum's character's father, and Bill Pullman's President Whitmore played by . . . Bill Pullman.

A few days later, we found ourselves flipping channels and stumbled upon Oliver Stone's 1999 football drama, Any Given Sunday.  Arguably our favorite football movie of all time ("The Program," "Little Giants," "Rudy," "Necessary Roughness," and "Varsity Blues" also merit consideration, with 'The Replacements" finishing in roughly 1,775th place), we thought we'd try the same exercise here -- recasting Any Given Sunday, except with current players, coaches, and other NFL-related personnel.  Mr. Stone, if you're looking to produce a remake, you can find our cast list after the jump . . .




Head Coach Tony D'Amato (Al Pacino)
"Tony D," the 30-year head coach of the fictional Miami Sharks, is the definition of an old-school football coach.  He had success in the distant past, winning a few "Pantheon Cups" (the movie's apparent equivalent to the Lombardi Trophy) but has since fallen on hard times due, in part, to a strained relationship with a difficult owner and brash, young players who don't see eye-to-eye with his old-school ways.


This, perhaps, is the first point at which the movie looks dated -- coaches don't hang around for 30 years anymore.  Entering 2012, the longest-tenured coach in the NFL is Philadelphia's Andy Reid, who will enter his 13th season.  Our first thought for the role of Tony D was Tom Coughlin, but Coughlin's recent Super Bowl success disqualifies him.  Instead, we go with a man with an occasionally-fiery temper who won 2 Super Bowls a decade and a half ago but hasn't made the playoffs since 2005 . . .

QB Willie Beamen (Jamie Foxx)
If you've never seen the movie, everything you really need to know about "Steamin'" Willie Beamen can be seen or deduced from his debut music video, released a few weeks after he becomes starting QB.  Other highlights include Beamen getting his car sawed up by Lawrence Taylor's character and Pacino's character trying to win him over with his antiquated taste in food and music.  The keys here are that Beamen is stereotypically depicted as brash, arrogant, and selfish, while at the same time displaying an "athleticism" that borders on the transcendent.

We don't seem to be the first people to compare Beamen and the 2011 Offensive POY.

Owner Christina Pagniacci (Cameron Diaz)
Cameron Diaz plays the cunning Pagniacci, who inherits the Sharks from her late father, micromanages Coach D'Amato, and works behind the scenes to move the team (maybe to Los Angeles?).  The story doesn't work without a woman, and though she doesn't seem to exude evil the way Diaz's character did, Saints owner Tom Benson's granddaughter seems to play well here . . .

RB Julian Washington (LL Cool J)
Four years before Any Given Sunday was released, LL Cool J was on top of the world -- he'd just released his "Mr. Smith" album (which included both "Doin' It" and "Hey Lover") and he was starring in the NBC sitcom "In The House" about the life and times of a former pro running back for the LA Raiders.  (Little-known fact: Alfonso Ribiero -- aka Carlton Banks -- was also on this show.)

We digress.  We're looking for a greedy running back who cares more about his contract than winning.  Plenty of good examples over the years, but if we're sticking to present day, we can't help but think of a hold-out and a poor 2011 season . . .

By the way, LL wins our award for "best RB portrayed by a rapper in a movie," narrowly edging out Nelly in The Longest Yard.

QB Jack "Cap" Rooney (Dennis Quaid)
For Dennis Quaid, it doesn't get much better than this (aside from the underrated "In Good Company.")  The grizzled veteran who's lost a step, Jack "Cap" Rooney pops back from injury to lead the Sharks in their first-round playoff game before he gets knocked out on a touchdown run.  We also get a glimpse into his personal life, most notably his wife (more evil than Diaz's character), who's grown accustomed to her lavish lifestyle and refuses to let him retire.

Yikes.  Too bad Doug Christie doesn't play in the NFL.  We'll go with the next-closest thing.

Not perfect, but Hasselbeck is probably as close as it gets from a playing perspective -- success in the past (the '05 NFC title), fighting for respectability -- and his job -- on a team that went 9-7 last year (just like the Sharks).  And though his wife seems nothing like Mrs. Rooney, other female family members do seem prone to altercations . . .

(Note: Arguments to be made for Brett Favre here, but Cap was, by all accounts, a likeable guy.  So too, I guess, was pre-Jets Favre, but the black cloud surrounding the end of his career damages his chances here.)

WR Jimmy "Sandman" Sanderson (Bill Bellamy)
Bill Bellamy!  Yes, that Bill Bellamy!  The former MTV V-Jay and host of MTV Jamz, Bellamy plays Sandman, the headcase wide receiver.  We don't see much out of Sandman except when gives himself speeches to either pump himself up or feed his ego (example: "I'm the greatest receiver that's ever lived!").  Funny part was that Sanderson didn't appear to be very good -- if there was a "star" on the offense, it was Julian (and Willie at the end).

So we need a headcast receiver with a higher opinion of himself than his abilities warrant.  No shortage of those the past 15 years.  The best current example?

(Shockingly, there were no pictures of Sandman in uniform!)


We'd be remiss if we didn't include a link to Stevie Johnson's 25th birthday cake (not completely safe for work).


LB Luther "Shark" Lavay (Lawrence Taylor)
Taylor didn't really have to act here, playing the formerly off-the-reservation crazy, now just-slightly crazy LB who had lost all his money and had to do things like ask for more medicine so he could play his final game and make his million-dollar bonus (or, in the case of LT the actor, appear in the movie).  Taylor is involved in two of the movie's funniest scenes:

1. Cutting up Jamie Foxx's car at a party while yelling "RESPECT MUST BE PAID!"
2. Stopping the opponent on 4th-and-1, getting knocked cold while doing so, and saying "y'all better not drop me -- I'm worth a million bucks!" as he's being carted off

Judge this one as you will -- it can be taken as a compliment or an insult (and the person typing is a Steelers fan . . .)

Sports TV Personality Jack Rose (John C. McGinley)
McGinley was apparently going for Jim Rome in his highly-antagonistic portrayal of Rose.  McGinley, of course, parlayed this role into bigger and better things -- he was one of the Bobs in Office Space, Perry Cox in Scrubs, and "The Commish" in those Miller Light Commercials.

So we have to pick cast an obnoxious sports writer.  We could obviously go in a number of directions for this one . . .

Let's move on.

Team Physician Dr. Harvey Mandrake (James Woods)
I loved every word that came out of the slimy, fast-talking Dr. Mandrake's mouth.  The doctor was in it for all the wrong reasons -- most notably the money and the women -- and, depending on your perspective, actively or passively damaged the health of his players.  It might have been the most thought-provoking part of the movie -- our society believes that doctors are there to "do good," and while most do, it's understanding how someone in Mandrake's position could succumb to the temptation and money associated with pro football.  And since Woods' performance was just too good to even try to substitute . . .

And with apologies to Tyler Cherubini, that completes our re-casting.  Of course, no discussion about Any Given Sunday could ever be complete without a link to Coach D'Amato's speech before the penultimate game.  Enjoy it here.

Think we're crazy?  Think we're brilliant?  Tell us in the comments!

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